


Walking the Edge

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-06
Updated: 2003-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:23:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian reevaluates his relationship with Justin before he loses him for good.





	Walking the Edge

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin pulled the loft door open and walked in breathing a sigh of relief. The loft always made him feel safe, indestructible or at least it used to... He glanced to the microwave clock and decided that he had a little time before Brian got home. Heading towards the bedroom he started to remove his clothing.

Clad in his underwear and a tee shirt he climbed into the bed and pulled the duvet over him. He was afraid of falling asleep. He knew what awaited him.

It had been three weeks since he was attacked at the diner...

He had volunteered to close that night for Debbie, she had a PFLAG function and as president of the local group she couldn't miss it. After waiting for all the customers to finish their late night meals and drinks he locked the front door, shut off all but the kitchen lights and made his way around the counter wiping it down.

"Garbage," He said to himself. He headed to the kitchen, pulled the big green bag out and tied it off. Maneuvering through the rear of the building and out the back door he tossed the bag into the dumpster. He heard footsteps but as soon as he turned he felt a thump on the back of his neck. He recalled seeing the pavement move closer to his face as he fell but then darkness overtook him.

"Ahhh... finally awake are you?" The voice was deep and menacing. Justin couldn't tell where it was coming from.

"What...what happened?" Justin asked, still not sure what was going on. He tried to bring a hand up towards his face but he couldn't move.

"Settle down, don't try to move too much or you will just end up hurting that beautiful skin." The voice said.

Justin was focused enough to take stock and see where he was. The diner. He used his senses to try to figure out what was going on. He was cold; he felt the metal table of the kitchen beneath his stomach. A moment later he realized that he was naked. He tried to move again but the restraints dug into his arms and legs, he stopped.

Justin had been spread flat across the kitchen's metal table, arms pulled out in front of him, hands tied to a rung running between table legs. His own legs were splayed apart, each tied tightly to a table leg.

"Let me up," Justin demanded calmly.

"No, I am not done with you," The voice said.

"Who are you?" Justin asked.

"Oh, me? I am a friend of Kinney, well, friend maybe too strong a word, so I'll say acquaintance."

"Brian? Is he here?" Justin asked hoping that this was some sort of sick joke, but realizing it wasn't. This guy must have knocked him out while taking out the trash.

"Nah, Kinney ain't here. Probably at Babylon getting himself sucked off." The voice chuckled.

"Let me go," Justin tried again.

"You know Golden Boy, Brian is a real prick."

"I can't necessarily argue with that, but please, just untie me, give me my clothes and then we can talk about Brian." Justin tried to placate the other man.

"No, I don't think so. I am going to make sure that Brian doesn't forget about me this time," The voice chuckled.

Hearing the deep almost sadistic chuckle Justin shivered, "Why am I tied down?"

"I didn't want you to squirm when the fun starts," Came the reply with another laugh.

The kitchen light went on. Justin quickly closed his eyes caught by surprise at how much the bright lights hurt. He slowly tried to focus. After a few moments he saw an older man leaning against the entry from the dinning room into the kitchen. He stood there staring, with a slight smile spread across his lips.

"I know you," Justin mumbled. "Geoff West, right?"

"Smart boy," The older man again chuckled.

"Please let me up," Justin asked as calm as he could.

Geoff shook his head and moved closer to Justin, he walked around the back of the table and admired the teen's physical beauty. He ran a finger along Justin's right ass cheek and spoke, "I can see why Kinney likes you. Plump... firm..."

Justin tensed, "Please...please just let me go. I won't tell anyone, we can just forget about this."

"You don't seem to understand kiddo, I might not have gotten Brian, but I'll get the next best thing. His whore," Geoff laughed as he made his way to stand in front of Justin.

Justin was growing more nervous and tears started to form, Geoff saw a few drop to the kitchen floor and took some delight in this.

"B...Brian didn't do anything to you..." Justin replied.

"Well, that's sort of the point, but you needn't worry about that. I'm sorry, but this is the best way I can think of to get to him. Don't take it personally. Though I admit I was surprised to find out about you, I mean I thought Kinney didn't do relationships," The man said mockingly. "Ehh... he probably still doesn't, you're just his weekend whore right?" The man laughed.

Justin thrashed and looked up at him, "I am not is whore!" Tears streamed down his face.

"All the better I suppose," Geoff replied as he moved over behind Justin again.

Justin thrashed a bit to try to look behind him, wanting to see what the man was doing, but he couldn't, "What are you doing?" He managed.

"Oh, don't worry your pretty head Golden Boy, I'll let you know when we start," Geoff said with a click of his tongue.

Geoff moved towards the broom closet, opened the door, and searched for a moment. With a grunt of satisfaction he moved back towards the teen, "Yeah, this will do nicely."

Justin saw him drop a broom onto the table to his left. A look of confusion swept the blondee's face, Geoff took note.

"Okay, let's get started then shall we?" Geoff asked as he took position behind Justin, the boy's ass was spread and available, cock and balls hanging off the edge of the cold table.

Justin thrashed again, "Please just let me go!"

Geoff ignored the demand and ran his hand across Justin's ass cheeks. He slapped once gently. He removed a Sharpie marker, unfastened the cap and scribbled across both of the teen's cheeks. Justin actually had to stifle a giggle as the marker tickled him.

Returning the cap to the marker, Geoff used the blunt end to slowly probe Justin's hole. Realization of what was to come spread across Justin, "Geoff please don't!"

Again Geoff ignored the noise, intent on his investigation of Justin's nether region. With a swift push he shoved the marker almost all the way in. Justin yelped and jumped but the ropes kept him firmly tied to the table.

Geoff pulled the marker out, "Hmmm, the marker isn't that thick boy, you are awfully tight." Geoff laughed.

Justin was crying at this point. The marker hadn't hurt, it was thin, but it was the indignity of the situation. That was Brian's place, no one else's. "Use a condom please..." Justin got out through his sobs.

Geoff laughed out loud at the request, "Uh, I ain't sticking you boy. Fucking dirty ass like that, who knows what Kinney has given you."

Justin turned his head to the side, thinking that maybe the man was done, if he wasn't going to do him... then seeing Geoff pick up the broom, realization hit.

Geoff saw the look of absolute terror spread across the face and savored it, he only wished it was Kinney, or better yet if Kinney was here to watch.

Justin stared at the broom handle and its thickness. "Please don't." He sobbed quietly.

"Come on, a whore like you has probably taken so many guys that you won't even notice our friend here," Geoff said hoisting the broom into the air a bit.

Geoff hefted the broom in his hand for a minute, deciding it was unwieldy he snapped it in two across his knee. The noise gave Justin another jolt but the ropes once again restrained him.

"Okay, it's getting late, lets say we get this over with," Geoff said as he moved behind Justin.

"Geoff please, please don't..." Justin's words were barely understandable between the sobs.

"Quiet, take it like a man. I want you to remember this every time Brian is with you. When he looks at you I want him to see me." Geoff said as he positioned the rounded end of the broom handle at Justin's opening and pushed slightly.

"Lube?" Justin half screamed.

Geoff paused for a moment, "Haven't got any, I suppose we could use grease from the trap... but I think you'll like it dry better."

Before Justin could protest Geoff grabbed the handle tightly, and in one quick thrust he shoved until it would go no further. The sound of Justin's scream startled his assailant a bit; it was more like that of a wounded animal than a person. Geoff shrugged it off and pulled the handle out, then shoved back in, again the scream.

Justin couldn't talk, he just yelled each time the broom end pulled out and was shoved back in. Tears were streaming so fast that he couldn't see anything; he just hung his head down off the table.

Pleased with his performance so far Geoff decided to up the ante. He grabbed Justin's cock and started to stroke it, slowly it lengthened. Justin howled as his body betrayed him, he willed his dick down but at this point his body's automatic responses and reflexes took over.

Geoff pulled on Justin's cock as though he were milking a cow, every once in a while he would remove the handle and plunge it back in, relishing the cries. Finally he could see the blondee's body tense, cum started to pour out onto the floor mixing with blood that had landed there from the assault. Geoff gave one final plunge with the handle making sure to push as far as it would go.

Justin just saw black and for the second time that night he lost consciousness.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian was working on his computer, his stomach growled. He glanced over at the clock and realized how late it was. He took a look around the loft, no Justin. He hadn't heard him come in but he had been focusing on the computer, so...

Brian walked to the fridge and pulled out some water, he downed half the bottle. Seeing the time he thought for a moment. Justin was supposed to be home right after work.

Brian grew a little concerned and picked up the phone; he hit the speed dial for Justin's cell. No answer.

He grabbed his keys and headed down to the Jeep, "The little shit better not have gone to Babylon." Brian said to no one in particular.

A few minutes later he arrived at the diner, he saw a light on in the back and noticed that the door was slightly ajar. He parked, got out and went into the diner. "Anyone here?"

Silence. He walked towards the only light that was on. When he arrived in the kitchen, the site he saw made him want to vomit. Justin was splayed out on the metal table, tied down, a brown handle sticking out of his ass, and a puddle of what must have been cum on the floor with dark red...blood.

"Justin!" Brian screamed, he ran towards the boy's face. No response. He shook him. "Justin? Please, no! Oh my fuck! Justin!"

Brian was in panic mode, memories from the prom attack swelled back. He pulled his phone and dialed 911. Glancing down Justin's body he saw 'Kinney's whore' written in marker across Justin's ass.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Mr. Kinney?" A white-coated doctor asked as he approached Brian.

"Yeah."

"Dr. Holland, I treated Mr. Taylor." The doctor said as he sat in the seat next to Brian.

"How... how..." Brian started but couldn't get the words out.

"He is going to be fine. He has a slight concussion, some bruising on his wrists from the ropes. He was..." The doctor paused a moment, "He was abused, it appears that the attacker used a wooden handle, broom handle, on him."

"Son of a bitch," Brian said as he ran a hand through his hair, he had already known, but to hear confirmation of it made more real.

"He'll be all right, physically. There was a fair amount of bruising, there was some bleeding too, but we applied some ointment, he has medication, topical and pills to take that will help with the pain. There was no sign of seminal fluids from the attacker, we ran regular tests, HIV, etc, but I don't think the person touched him in that respect. No sexual intercourse for the next few weeks, the interior needs time to heal."

Brian nodded. "Is he awake? Can I see him?"

"Yeah, he asked to see you as soon as possible." The doctor motioned down the hall.

Brian stood on shaky knees and headed towards Justin's room.

He opened the door slowly, not wanting to startle the young man. Justin was lying on a standard issue hospital bed, with his faced turned away from the door.

"Jus... Justin?" Brian asked quietly.

Justin turned his head, tears were streaming from his eyes but he was totally silent. Seeing his man hurt, Brian raced up to the bed and hugged him. Justin grabbed the older man and never wanted to let go. They didn't say anything, just held each other.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Justin awoke, he knew the nightmares would come back, they always did. He looked over to the clock, it was past 10, and Brian must be home. Justin stood up, saw through the slanted windows that Brian was in fact here, at his computer.

Justin walked quietly out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and over towards Brian. The older man saw the movement, stopped typing and turned to look at Justin.

"You must have been tired?" Brian asked.

"Yeah," Justin nodded. "Work?" He asked motioning to the computer.

"Yeah, those two fuck heads nearly lost us the Pittsburgh Visitors Bureau account, god they are such morons, I don't know why they haven't been fired."

Justin shook his head, agreeing that both guys deserved to be let go. Brian cleaned up after them too often.

"Hungry?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, starving."

"Come on, I ordered Thai." Brian said as he stood and headed for the kitchen.

Justin took a seat on one of the stools while Brian pulled out a plate and took the to go boxes from the fridge. He scooped some food from each box onto the plate, satisfied with the assortment he chose he popped the plate into the microwave and pressed the quick heat button.

Justin hadn't said much about the attack to Brian, and he made Brian swear not to tell anyone else. He didn't want his mother to know, or Deb. He was too embarrassed for the guys to know about it. All any of them knew was there was some sort of scuffle that night, and that was why the police were hanging around the next morning. The officers were actually very understanding with Justin and agreed to keep quiet about the event, since he claimed to not know who it was, and there was no real evidence to speak of, it was pretty much a cold case.

"How are you feeling?" Brian asked as he leaned against the counter.

"Okay." Justin said as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Good," Brian said as he turned to take the plate out of the microwave, he grabbed a fork and sat both before Justin. Justin smiled at him.

"Brian?" Justin asked as he took a bite of chicken and peanuts.

"Yeah babe?" Brian asked, placing a bottle of water next to Justin's plate.

"What do you see when you look at me?" Justin asked as he shoved another bite into his mouth.

"An eating machine," Brian sneered with a smile.

"I am serious." Justin said, and the look on his face said he was.

"Justin," Brian said shaking his head, not sure where the teen was going or wanted to go with this.

"Tell me," Justin pushed.

"I see a talented, caring, beautiful, and smart person." Brian answered honestly.

"Do you love me?" Justin asked as he looked into the older man's hazel eyes.

"Justin, you know I don't..."

"Do love, I know." Justin said, visibly disappointed.

"Justin..." Brian tried.

"Brian, I... need...I don't know what I need. I guess I need to know what we are, what I am to you?"

Brian thought for a moment, "I thought we had worked all that shit out?"

Justin shrugged; he realized this wasn't going to go anywhere. Since the attack he had thought over the words that Geoff has said. He didn't identify the attacker to the police or to Brian. He figured there was no point, he had heard a few days later that Geoff had OD'd on some bad stuff. He hadn't mentioned any of the details of the attack to Brian, maybe he should....

"Brian, I know who attacked me." Justin said to change the subject away from love.

"Fuck! Who?" Brian asked, he looked ready to leave the loft, hunt the person down and then kill them.

"Geoff West."

"Geoff..." Brian trailed off, "That fucking cock."

Justin continued to pick at his dinner, watching the emotions play across Brian's face. Brian finally focused and looked at Justin, "Why am I just hearing about this?"

"He died, you know that. What difference does it make?"

"It makes a hell of a difference!"

Justin just shrugged, "Sorry."

"Why would he want to hurt you?" Brian asked.

"Uh, actually he wasn't out to hurt me, he was out to hurt you. He didn't tell me why, just said something about getting to you through me." Justin said matter of factly, surprising himself.

Brian stood there and stared at the younger man, "Justin, I..." Brian caught himself, started again, "There was an incident a few years back, he thought he would fuck me, I disagreed, he pushed. I got tired of him, gave his name to a cop, he was busted for possession."

"Oh..." Was all Justin could say.

"Did he say anything to you?" Brian asked, gently pushing.

"Uh...yeah," Justin put the fork down and looked at a spot on the floor. "He mentioned wanting to get back at you, uh..." a tear formed and dropped to the floor, "Since he thought it would have been too much work... he, uh... knew about me... and decided that he would get back at you that way. He told me I was your whore." Justin sniffled a bit and wiped at his eyes, it always upset him for people to think he was a gold digger, after Brian's money, or clothes, he didn't understand why people had a hard time understanding that he really did love Brian.

"Yeah, the fucker wrote that on you!" Brian raged.

"Uh, he also said that he wanted you to see him every time you and I are together. Oh, yeah and I begged him to use a condom if he was going to do me but he said something about not wanting to catch anything."

Brian tuned back in to Justin and absorbed the words. He realized that this wasn't a story about someone else, this was done to Justin, and it infuriated him. He watched the teen as he sat stooped in the stool, the occasional tear dropping to the floor. He seemed too ashamed to look Brian in the eyes.

"Look at me," Brian commanded.

Justin sniffled but did as he was told. Brian looked into the tear filled eyes, "Justin, you are not my whore. Don't buy that bullshit for a minute. Secondly, I can't even remember what the guy looked like, so I think is plan failed, and third, smart boy," He could see some confusion on Justin's face, "The condom."

Justin nodded.

"Brian, do you love me?" Justin pushed again.

"Justin..." Brian shook his head, quickly stopped; he didn't want that misinterpreted as his answer.

"Please, if you do just tell me. If not... tell me that too." Justin returned his gaze to the floor.

"You are where I want you to be Justin," Brian hoped that would be good enough.

"Brian, if you don't love me... just tell me. Please." Justin pleaded.

Brian wasn't going to be forced into anything; he decided to change the subject. "Tired?"

Justin didn't answer; he stood up, went to the bedroom and got back in bed.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Justin awoke before Brian, he made his way to the bathroom, did his business, took some of his prescriptions and went into the living room, and he curled up on the couch with his sketchpad. He wasn't in the mood for drawing. He just sat there and stared at the clouds outside the window.

Brian awoke a little later, scanned the loft for Justin, seeing that he was on the couch Brian headed towards the bathroom to get cleaned up for work.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Justin had made arrangements with PIFA to pick up his assignments and drop them off, after the attack he had gotten afraid of crowds, large groups of people, similar to after the prom attack.

Fortunately PIFA had been very accommodating.

He hadn't been back to work at the diner since the attack; frankly he wasn't sure if he would go back there to work again or not.

Justin sat on the couch in the loft. It had been five weeks since the attack. Brian had been working almost nonstop on the PVB account, he hadn't had a lot of free time, and he didn't notice Justin slowly slipping...

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

That night Brian came home a little late, but it had given Justin time to make dinner. Chicken in a white wine sauce over rice with steamed vegetables. It was a sauce that Vic had taught him to make.

"Hey," Brian said coming through the door.

Justin looked over at him and gave a small smile, "Hey."

"Damn, that smells good," Brian said as he walked through the kitchen to see what was cooking. He gave Justin a kiss, and continued to the bedroom to get changed.

Justin plated dinner up and took it to the table. He poured some wine for them and sat down to wait for Brian. He didn't wait long, Brian came out of the bedroom in jeans, no shirt. He sat down and gave Justin another smile.

"I finally got that fucking account taken care of today," Brian said.

Justin smiled, "I'm proud of you Brian."

Brian gave him an odd look. He was going to make a sarcastic comment about the hetero remark that Justin had just made but decided against it. He was pleased that Justin was proud of him but he wouldn't admit to it.

"What did you do today?" Brian asked as he cut into the chicken.

"Oh, uh... they dropped off some assignments, I worked on those." Justin shrugged.

"When do you think you'll be ready to go back to school?" Brian asked, trying to make conversation.

"I don't know..." Justin replied.

Brian nodded, he didn't want to push; "Not bad", he said pointing his fork at the chicken.

Justin gave him a half smile; Brian realized that was the biggest one he had seen from Justin since the attack. Since that night they had fooled around a little, usually jerking each other off or giving blowjobs, but no intercourse, even though the 'few weeks' had certainly gone by.

Brian coughed to get Justin's attention and then arched his eyebrow, without words Justin new what he was thinking. "After dinner," He nodded.

After eating, they cleared the table, took care of leftovers, and loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.

After the chores were finished both headed towards the bedroom, Brian slipped out of his jeans. Justin slowly took of his shirt, and slipped his pants and underwear down. They climbed onto the bed. They faced each other and kissed. Brian slowly worked Justin's lower lip until he had no patience left; he pushed his tongue past his lover's lips and into Justin's silky mouth.

Justin groaned slightly and continued to rub his hands over Brian's cock. Brian finally pulled back, the anticipation had brought him to the edge much quicker than he had expected. He had been denied this for more than a month, he thought he would scream; he loved feeling Justin's acceptance... yes, he had missed this.

Brian reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom and a tube of lube, "Roll over," he ordered.

Justin hesitated, "Brian, please go slow."

Brian could see fear and hesitation start to overtake the younger man, "I promise."

Justin laid on his stomach and parted his legs slightly. He heard the condom wrapper open, he heard the snap of rubber as it sheathed Brian. Brian squirted some of the lube onto his hands, and rubbed it, warming it as quickly as he could. His cock was aching and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. He reached down, spread Justin's legs a little wider and moved two fingers gently across his lover's hole. Justin gasped at the first touch and nearly jumped off the bed. Brian smiled.

Slowly and seductively he circled his fingers around the hole, inching closer and closer with every circle, until he reached the bulls eye. Brian's index finger rested at Justin's entry, he paused waiting for a sign from the teen, he saw the blondee head go up and down. Wiggling his finger slightly he pushed in, "Fuck, you are so tight Justin."

Justin just moaned as Brian slowly finger fucked him, loosening him enough for what was to come.

"B...B...Briiiiaann....hurry," Justin was ready.

Brian smiled, pulled his hand back and then moved his cock towards Justin's entry. He placed the tip of his cock on Justin's hole and slowly pushed.

"Owwwwhhhhhhhgggggg...." Justin let out startling Brian who pulled back. Realizing that it was a groan of pleasure he continued his onslaught.

"Justin I love fucking you." Brian moaned.

Within a few moments Brian had established a deep yet gentle rhythm, each time he plunged in he went until his balls stopped him, and Justin would arch up trying to draw him deeper.

"Oh...." Justin moaned.

Brian had had enough; he steadied his rhythm, increased the pace and stopped pulling out as far as he had been. Moments later he felt his face flush, his sac tighten close to his body, and the gush of release. "Fuuuuuuck Justin!" He hollered.

Justin lay there grunting, enjoying the pleasure he brought his lover. He felt Brian collapse on top of him and let out a large breath of air.

After several minutes Brian pulled out of Justin and rolled the boy around to face him. Justin pulled the condom off Brian's cock and tossed it to the floor. Brian smiled and dropped his head towards Justin's still engorged cock. Justin leaned his head up to watch the brunette head bounce up and down on his cock, smiling all the while. Finally, not able to take any more, he dropped his head back, his tongue lolled out of his head and he cried, "Briiiiiiiian I'm cummming!"

And with that he did, he pumped into Brian's mouth. The older man eagerly accepted all he was offered.

They both scooted further up the bed and lay next to each other, arms touching.

"I love fucking you Justin." Brian repeated for the second time that night.

Justin just looked over at Brian, "I love you Brian".

Brian didn't move or open his mouth he just laid there. A few minutes later he heard a small sigh from Justin and glanced over at him.

"Brian?" Justin asked quietly, almost whispering.

"What is it baby?" Brian asked turning his head to look at the teen.

"Why don't you love me?" Justin asked with total seriousness, his eyes were slightly teary.

This struck Brian unlike anything the teen had ever asked before, he lifted up on his arm and looked at the watery blue eyes. Justin remained on his back, looking up at the ceiling, he wanted an answer, was afraid of it, and couldn't look at Brian.

Brian realized that since the attack there had been a progression, 'do you love me', 'if you don't you love me...' and now, 'why'! He just didn't understand the teen's need for those words.

For Justin the silence had gone on too long, his eyes started tearing up to the point where drops of moisture ran down his eyes onto the pillow bellow him. He knew it... Brian didn't love him.

"Justin, why would you ask me that?" Brian finally managed.

"I just want to know why..."

"What...what makes you think I...I don't." This was getting uncomfortable for Brian, but he was startled by Justin's question.

"I don't know, I'm sorry." Justin whispered, and turned over facing away from Brian.

Brian stared at the blondee hair; he always wondered why those words were so hard for him. He said them to Michael and Lindsay, and meant it to both of them. He said it to Gus, though usually when no one was around. He would do anything for Gus. The sad thing is, the person that he perhaps had the most feeling towards, was the one person who he couldn't say it to... who needed him to say it.

He placed a hand on Justin's arm, "Justin..."

He was stopped when Justin shook his head, and sniffled.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian couldn't sleep the rest of the night, he lay there staring at Justin, watching as the teen's chest rose and fell with each breath.

Why couldn't he tell him?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian had finally dozed off, but was woken too soon by the alarm. Justin wasn't in bed; Brian glanced around and saw him on the couch, staring out the window.

Brian got up and showered, dressed, made some coffee, and kissed Justin on the head before going to work. They didn't exchange any words.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian got home on time, walked into the loft and saw that the place was the same as it was that morning when he had left, even Justin; it didn't look like he had moved.

Walking over towards the living room he asked, "Justin, are you okay?"

Justin nodded, "Yeah, why are you home early?"

"Uh, I'm not, it is almost 6." Brian said.

"Huh?" Justin didn't realize it was so late. He in fact hadn't moved from the couch at all, he hadn't eaten or drank anything all day. He hadn't even showered.

"Justin, are you sure you are okay?" Brian moved in front of him, saw the puffy red eyes, he had been crying.

"I'm fine." He closed his eyes, got up, and moved towards the kitchen. "I'm sorry, I don't have dinner ready."

"You aren't my fucking maid Justin." Brian said.

Justin just shrugged, not entirely convinced.

Brian shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, "So why don't we order something in?" Brian moved over to the drawer with delivery menus.

"Whatever," Justin shrugged.

"Pizza?" Brian asked, as he looked the menus over.

No response from Justin.

"Justin, please, tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing Brian, everything.... Everything is the way it should be." Justin said.

"What?" Brian was confused.

"I'm going to go shower," Justin whispered.

Brian stared at him for a few moments, and continued to stare in the general direction even after he was out of sight. He hoped that last nights question had been forgotten and that wasn't what was bothering the blonde.

He shook his head in an attempt to clear it and returned his focus to the menu, deciding, he dialed in the order.

Justin came out a few minutes later, "I'm hungry."

"I just ordered the pizza, they said about 40 minutes," Brian said looking at the teen. He noticed that Justin's shoulders were slumped, "So, show me what you worked on today?" Brian asked trying to cheer the younger man up.

"Uh... nothing really, I just did some visualizations, didn't actually get anything onto paper, or the computer."

"Oh," Brian said.

Justin returned to the couch and sat down, finding something interesting on the floor he focused. Brian stared at him for a few moments and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong. He decided to check his email; he made his way to the computer, sat down, and booted it up. While the computer was booting he just watched Justin, trying to get a read on the problem, wanting to fix it, make it right. He knew at least one way of doing that, but...

"Want to go out tonight?" Brian asked.

"No. You go." Justin said.

"Nah, I don't feel like dealing with the scene tonight." Brian lied, he always felt like dealing with it.

"You don't have to stay in Brian, go out, go fuck someone." Justin said, a little coolly.

Brian just looked at the back of Justin's head then he focused on the computer and started through his email. Mostly spam, nothing of real interest.

The pizza had finally arrived; they sat at the table eating. Brian watched Justin, he sat low in his chair, eating quietly, not looking around, just focusing on himself.

Brian thought to himself, "Jesus, I should just tell him, is that what is bothering him? Is this some sort of drama queen thing? No, I know it isn't. His drama queen episodes are big and noisy, this, this is different."

Lifting his head up Justin saw Brian staring at him; he quickly dropped the gaze and focused back on his pizza. His mind ran and to himself he thought, "Why doesn't he love me? I try, I want to please him, but I am never enough. Maybe he would be better off without me. He probably would, I am nothing but trouble for him. I don't bring home a paycheck, he spends a fortune clothing and feeding me. Maybe Geoff was right, maybe I am Brian's whore. He tells me how much he loves to fuck me, but he doesn't love me. Maybe he can't even stand to look at me." Justin quickly tried to will the tears away, not wanting to bother Brian with them.

Dinner finished Justin got up without a word and started to clear the table, he put away the few dirty dishes and started the dishwasher. He stood there for a few minutes not sure what he should do now.

Brian got up went to his computer and tried to surf the net, but he was more focused on Justin, "What the fuck is wrong?" He thought. He had offered to take Justin to professional counseling after Geoff's attack, had even offered to go with Justin, but he refused. Brian wouldn't push, he himself wouldn't want the counseling, and so he understood.

"So, feel like doing anything?" Brian tried again.

Justin jumped at the sound of Brian's voice, and shook his head. He went over to the couch, picked up his sketchpad and sat down.

Justin doodled for a few hours, not really concentrating on anything substantial. He decided to go to bed; he hit the bathroom and then crawled into bed.

Brian watched and decided to follow suit. He climbed next to Justin, "Tired?" He asked.

"A little," Justin whispered.

"Wanna fool around?" Brian asked with a giggle, trying to elicit some emotion from the younger man.

Without a word Justin nodded, flipped over on his stomach and spread his legs open. Brian watched, shrugged, grabbed a condom and lube and prepared himself.

He entered Justin and worked himself until he was ready to cum, he finally released, "Oh fuck Justin!" He hollered. "I love your ass."

Justin lay there not moving, he allowed Brian's last words to run through his mind. Brian pulled out, dropped the condom to the floor and stared at the back of his lover's head. He stroked the golden hair, "roll over."

Justin did as he was told. He picked a spot on the ceiling to stare at; Brian kissed him and moved his way down towards the teen's cock. After he sucked for a few minutes Justin released, Brian savored the cum in his mouth, he moved up to kiss Justin, making sure the boy tasted himself on Brian's lips.

It had been the most lackluster performance between the two of them, but at least they both got off.

Brian rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling, "So, you must be pretty tired, almost like fucking the dead."

Brian had expected a laugh, but instead he got, "I'm sorry."

Brian looked over at him with a 'sorry is bullshit' expression, but the teen didn't move.

Justin thought to himself, "Fuck, I can't even do this right anymore." He rolled onto his side and fell asleep.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian awoke, this time he didn't feel for Justin, he just sat up and looked at the couch. There he was. It had been this way for days.

Brian stared for a few minutes, shook his head and went to the bathroom; after getting cleaned up he came back out and dressed.

He headed towards the kitchen for some guava juice, "Justin? Want to go out to dinner tonight?"

Justin just sat there, "No, I uh... have a project I need to finish. You go though. Have a good time."

Brian thought to himself, "Fuck, I am getting tired of this, whatever this is. This isn't Justin."

Without a word he left to go to the office.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

KNOCK KNOCK

Justin heard the knocking on the door but didn't do anything about it. A few moments later he heard the door slide open, "Justin?"

He puzzled for a minute and said, "Yeah Lindsay, over here."

She closed the door and walked over to the living room, she took one of the chairs and looked to Justin, "So, haven't seen you in a while, how are you? Gus has missed you."

Justin smiled at Gus' name, "Uh, yeah, I have been busy, with school stuff...." He trailed off.

Lindsay reached out and pulled his sketchpad from the table, he jolted up, "Uh, nothing, nothing in that one."

To late, she opened it. She stared at the picture. Looked at Justin, "What is this?" She asked.

"Uh, oh, yeah, that one... an assignment." He lied, hoping that she would believe it.

"This is disturbing Justin," She said looking at the sketch again.

It showed a serene outdoor scene with a large tree on the left, Brian was leaning against the tree, head lolled back, pants down with some nameless, faceless trick sucking his cock Brian had a look of pure satisfaction on his face. Over to the right was a small gravestone, with Justin Taylor written on it with a date, which was a few days away.

"It's just an assignment." He said, trying to convince her.

She didn't believe that for a second, "Okay Justin, well I just wanted to stop by and see you, say hi and all, you need to come visit Gus, he misses you."

Justin nodded, "Okay." He mumbled.

Lindsay gave him a quick hug and then left without another word.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

BEEEP

Brian reached over to the intercom button, "What?"

"Brian," Came Cynthia's voice, "There is a Lindsay Peterson here to see you, no appointment."

"Send her in now," Brian said. He got up and headed to the door, wondering if something was wrong with Gus.

"Hey Brian," She said as she walked in and gave him a hug.

"Gus?" He asked.

"He's fine, I am actually worried about your other one," She said, biting her lip a bit.

"Justin?" He asked.

"Uh huh, Justin."

"What's wrong?" He asked, concern spreading across his face.

"Well..." She relayed the quick visit, and the disturbing drawing.

"He has been acting weird lately. Ever since the att..." He caught himself, "Uh, just the last few weeks or so."

"Any reason?"

"I don't know, but there was something that has been bothering me. He asks me if I love him, I do, but I can't say it, you know how I am. Then he started asking if I don't love him, if not, he just wanted me to tell him. And now, the new one is him asking me why I don't love him."

"Oh Brian, Jesus, you need to get over it. Tell him!" Lindsay said as she shook her head.

"It scares me though Linds, what if he doesn't feel the same way." Brian asked.

"Brian, if you don't you are going to lose him, and after seeing that picture I am scared."

"You love him too, don't you Linds?" Brian smiled; Justin had a way of getting into people's hearts.

"Yeah, he's like a little brother to me, Mel too. And he's... he's...." Shrugging, she wasn't sure how to describe his relationship with Gus, "He's so good with Gus."

"I know." Brian nodded.

"Then tell him Brian!" Lindsay pleaded.

"I...don't know if I can."

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Justin sat staring at the picture he had created earlier. He thought, "Should I go and see people before... or should I leave them notes? Maybe I should mail the notes, that way I'm... it's done by the time they get them."

"No, I need to see Gus one more time. I want to see Mom, and Molly, but I am afraid my mother will see right through me, know what I am thinking, then she'll try to stop me. I can't, I'll have to write her a letter."

"Debbie and Vic, I want to see them, but, no, they would know too."

He wrote out a list of people he wanted to send letters to.

"Daphne, I need to see her, she won't understand, but... no, she'll get a letter too. The three guys, Linds and Mel, I will see them when I see Gus, but I still owe them an explanation, Deb and Vic, Mom and Molly..."

He looked up from the paper and out the window; it was a sunny day out, the clouds moving quickly from the sky.

"Should I leave a letter for Brian? Would he care? Would he even open it? No, he wouldn't, he doesn't care. He would throw it away, just thinking me a drama queen."

He looked over to the corner and saw a toy train that Gus had the last time he was here.

"I would like to leave a letter for Gus, for when he gets older... but... would they give it to him, would they tell him about me? What would they say?"

He stared at the toy and thought... "I wanted children. I love kids. I wanted Brian to raise them with me."

"What about my dad? Should I send him a note? No, he doesn't care."

Justin continued his thoughts, he flipped to a blank piece of paper and started to sketch, not particularly paying attention, he just wanted to draw while thinking.

"Okay, so I'll write the letters, mail them, and they'll arrive, after... but how, what would be quick and painless? There was that guy a few months back that fell in front of the commuter train downtown, they said on the news that it was instantaneous and he didn't feel a thing. Maybe..."

"When did things get so bad? I love my father, even after all he has done, but why can't he accept me, love me? And Brian, I love him so much, why can't he love me, maybe he hates me... yeah, he probably does, he didn't come see me in the hospital after the bashing, after I forget to set the alarm, and he got robbed, after, I stole from him, after I broke our rules, after I walked away from him with Ethan... no wonder he hates me."

"I'll leave him a note, I have to, after everything he has done for me, I have to. I owe it to him."

"I'll go see Gus tomorrow, I miss him. Then I will work on the notes, send them, and the day after, I'll.... Be gone."

"I'm tired, so very tired."

Justin stood, dropped the sketchpad to the coffee table and went into the bedroom; he undressed and climbed into the soft blankets.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian took a look at his schedule, then the clock. 3:30, no more appointments for the day. He grabbed his coat and left his office.

"I am calling it an early day Cynthia, call me if you need anything, if anything comes up... but only if it is important, ok?"

"Sure thing boss," She smiled to him.

Brian went down to the parking garage, got in his Jeep and headed to the loft. He thought to himself, "I love Justin. He has to know it. I mean, I know I don't tell him, and I should but...I'm terrified."

"Certainly Lindsay is going a little overboard about the drawing she saw, Justin is too level headed to do anything... like that."

"Maybe I should tell him, I know he loves me, after all the shit I have put him through he keeps coming back. Maybe there is such a thing as true love."

Brian turned on the radio and continued through the streets, trying to keep his mind clear.

He pulled up to the apartment, got out and headed up the stairs.

He slid the loft door open, it was dark, only one curtain open. He moved further in after closing the door, "Justin?" There was no response.

He moved to the bedroom, saw the sleeping teen and smiled; he always looks so peaceful when he sleeps.

Brian decided to take advantage of this quiet time to see the drawing Lindsay spoke of for himself. He maneuvered over to the couch, sat down, and picked up the sketchpad. Opening it he saw the picture that Linds had mentioned. He was immediately struck at the detail, and how accurate his own representation was... cock and all. He looked over at the gravestone. He thought, "What is this? What does this mean? I know he doesn't like me with other men, but does it really hurt him this bad?"

He turned the page and about dropped the sketchbook, "Fuck!" He said out loud.

There was a drawing of Brian, Craig Taylor, and Chris Hobbs standing around patting each other on the back and smiling. And again, a gravestone, with Justin's name and a date, a few days from now, he sat the sketchbook down, as though it were poison and stared at it.

He flipped back to the first picture, realization spread, he thought, "This isn't about me hurting him be fucking other guys, this... he thinks..." Brian half fell onto the couch, his jaw dropped, "He thinks I will be happier if he's.... dead."

Brian was stunned, he couldn't move. He felt something on his cheek, and reached for it, a tear, "Shit." He said, not knowing what else to do.

He sat there for an eternity; in reality it was about half an hour. He got up and went to his desk and sat down.

He wondered, "What should I do? This... this is serious. How could he think I would be happy with him gone? Did I do this to him? Should I tell his mother? No, she would go so far beyond freak that it wouldn't be good for Justin."

He stared at the picture that was propped up on his desk.

He heard rustling and saw through the open glass doors that Justin was waking; Brian asked himself, "Should I confront him? Should I ignore the drawings, pretending that I have not seen them? Should I tell him how much I care about him? Fuck! I can't lose him!"

Brian closed the sketchpad and laid it down on the desk, he sat the newspaper on it. He heard Justin coming down the stairs. Justin looked over to see Brian, started to smile, but then his face went expressionless, he sagged his shoulders and went to sit on the couch he thought to himself, "Who am I kidding, he didn't get off early to see me. I should know by now."

Brian decided to play it cool... for now, "Uh, no comment about me getting off early to spend the afternoon with you?"

Justin didn't move, didn't speak, he thought to himself, "Patience Brian, I would try to work by your time schedule, but I have things to do first, I'll be out of your way soon. Until then there isn't any need to mock me... rub my nose in it... I know you didn't get off early to see me."

Brian stood up, moved into the kitchen and flipped the lights on, he started to rattle some pans, and opened cupboard doors, "Hey Sunshine, I though we might cook dinner together, maybe you could teach me a thing or two in the kitchen, hmmm?"

Nothing, no response, Justin thought, "What will he do when I am gone, he is incompetent in the kitchen, well, he got along fine without me for 29 years, so he'll make do."

Brian started to grow more scared, to himself he asked, "Have I already lost him? Is he already gone? How can I bring him back?"

Brian decided to focus on cooking them dinner. He put on some water to boil, looked in the fridge, pulled out some tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic, and fresh basil. He knew this would get messy, he ran into the bedroom, stripped, and pulled on a pair of jeans, leaving the top button undone.

He returned to the kitchen and caught a glimpse of Justin, he hadn't moved. Brian pulled out the food processor, a knife, and chopped the ingredients he took out earlier into smaller pieces; he dumped them into the processor and blended them a bit. The sudden noise was loud, it reverberated through the loft and Justin jumped off the couch, turned and looked at the kitchen. He looked like a wounded animal.

"Come help me," Brian ordered, but in a gentler tone than he usually used.

Justin complied, he moved towards the kitchen.

"Pasta, which kind?" Brian asked trying to get Justin involved in dinner.

Justin pulled a jar of bow tie shaped pasta out of the cupboard and set it on the counter. Brian grunted an approval and dumped the jar into the boiling water.

"This okay?" Brian asked, "I'll toss the veggies with the pasta after it is cooked." He looked for approval.

Justin just looked at the floor. Brian wanted to pull him into a hug, kiss him and confess how much he loved the teen, but he was afraid that might somehow push Justin further into the abyss he was already traveling.

Justin got plates, silverware, and glasses and set the table.

Brian took a piece of pasta from the boiling water, ran it under the faucet for a second and popped it in his mouth, almost done. He grabbed a metal strainer, sat it in the sink and waited another minute before pouring the pasta into in. He dumped the drained pasta back into the pot and put it back on the stove, he added the fresh basil and the processed veggies to heat them through.

"Smell good?" Brian asked looking to Justin.

Justin nodded. Brian smiled, that was at least a small improvement.

They sat at the table; Brian served the pasta, "Cheese?" He asked Justin, who didn't respond.

Brian pulled out a small brick or white cheese, it looked fine but he didn't know what it was, Colby maybe? Or mozzarella? He grabbed the grater and moved back to the table, he grated some onto Justin's pasta there were no complaints.

He grated a little of the cheese onto his plate too, not much though. He looked the table over, "Uh... wine?" He asked.

Justin nodded, another improvement Brian thought. He grabbed two glasses and poured the wine, gave one to Justin.

Brian sat down, looked at Justin, "Well?" He asked motioning towards the food.

Justin tasted some, "Good."

Brian smiled and tasted some for himself, "Not bad," he agreed.

Brian stared at Justin, trying to read him, understand why he was feeling this way, but it seemed the more Brian tried to understand the more Justin slumped in his chair, and the more he focused on the floor around him.

"Brian?" Justin hesitantly asked.

Brian put his fork down and gave Justin his full attention, he thought to himself, "Please Justin, please ask me if I love you, because right now I could only say yes."

"Why... why are you being like this?" Justin asked quietly?

"Huh?" That wasn't the question Brian had expected.

"You never cook, you never come home early." Justin still didn't look at him.

"Oh, well, I figure where I had been so busy cleaning up the mess at work you and I haven't had any time together, it was a quite day, so..." He shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. He didn't add his true thoughts, "Because I love you Justin, you mean more than anything to me and I want you with me forever."

Justin just looked at Brian, didn't say anything, finally he returned his attention to the pasta. Brian frowned, decided to carry on the conversation, "So, what are you going to do tomorrow, you've been cooped up here all week."

"If you want to bring a trick home just tell me, I'll leave." Justin said with no emotion.

This took Brian by surprise, "Uh, no that wasn't what...I was..." He sighed this wasn't working, "I was just wondering, that's all."

Justin looked at the older man, saw the surprise at his earlier comment, "I...I'm going to go see Gus."

Brian tried clearing his head and focused on what Justin just said, "Oh, you want to wait and do it later in the day, we could both go see him, or we could pick him up for the day on Saturday?"

Justin shook his head but didn't add, "Saturday would be too late."

"Got plans this weekend?" Brian asked.

Justin shrugged, "Sorta."

Brian didn't care for the answer but didn't want to push. He thought, "Damn Justin, where did I go wrong, I am trying, I am trying so hard, please... let me help."

Brian finished his meal and Justin finished a few moments later, "Maybe I'll have to cook more often." Brian said with a smirk.

Justin just stared at him without any expression. At that moment it occurred to Brian that the spark, the sunshine that was always in Justin's eyes was gone. There was nothing there but a blank stare, it made Brian shiver.

"Want to go to Woody's?" Brian asked.

"No," Justin replied, "Go ahead."

Brian shrugged, "I... I just wanted us to do something together tonight Justin, that's all." Brian stood and walked to his computer and sat down. He stared for a moment at the newspaper that was covering the drawings.

"Brian?" Justin asked.

"Yeah baby?" Brian replied as though there was nothing wrong.

"Why are you being... so... nice?" Brian stared at him; it felt as though Justin had just smacked him.

"I told you," Brian snipped, then calmed his voice, "I felt bad about all the work I had put in lately, I feel like I have ignored you."

"Oh... don't... don't worry about me, I'll be fine. So will you..." Justin walked away towards the couch. He hesitated a moment and then went into the bedroom.

Brian stared at him; he wasn't sure why but that last comment terrified him. Brian thought, "He wouldn't actually do anything would he? I mean, drawing is one thing, but he wouldn't really do it would he?"

Brian glanced behind him and saw through the glass doors that Justin was preparing for bed.

Justin crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling, the thought, "Maybe I am wrong... does he really care about me? He almost looked hurt when I mentioned him bringing a trick here. No, he is Brian Fucking Kinney, he doesn't do hurt." Justin scoffed out loud, "I love him so much..."

Brian pulled the newspaper off the sketchbook and stared at the drawing again, he shook his head and closed his eyes and replaced the paper. He stood, went into the bedroom and took off the jeans; he turned the hot water on and got in the shower. He leaned his head against the tiled wall and closed his eyes.

The cold water finally jolted him and he shut it off, he stood dripping for a few minutes before moving out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waste. Still dripping he made his way out to the bedroom, Justin looked at him.

Brian stood there a moment and then crawled onto the bed and lay down on his side.

"You aren't going to Babylon?" Justin asked.

"Nothing there I want," He said. He didn't have to lie.

Justin stared at him for a moment, thinking, "What is he doing? It's almost like he is trying to... I don't know... if only he could have been like this sooner, we could have worked. We could have worked..."

Brian stared at the ceiling, not sure if he should make a move on Justin or not. He wondered, "Would I push him further away if I touch him? Kiss him? I want to hold him, love him..."

Brian turned on his side facing away from Justin and fell asleep.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Justin awoke at the time he had been lately, always before Brian, he quietly slid out of bed, but noticed Brian wasn't there, "So much for being his first choice," Justin thought.

He stepped out of the bedroom walking towards the couch but stopped mid-step when the smell of coffee and eggs hit him. He looked over to see Brian having a hard time trying to crack eggs open; he couldn't help but laugh.

Justin made his way to the coffee pot and poured a cup. Brian noticed him, "Good morning Sunshine!"

Justin looked at him, "What the hell have you done with Brian Kinney?" He didn't ask.

"Fuck!" Brian yelled as he accidentally poured some egg into the flame of the burner. "Maybe I will stick to dinners only."

Justin looked at the clock, "You are going to be late for work."

"No I'm not. I took the day off, we are going over to Mel and Linds' for lunch and to see Gus."

"I wanted to talk to Gus alone." He mumbled, Brian heard.

"You can, not sure what you guys discuss but..." He shrugged his shoulders.

Justin went to the couch and sat down, he picked up a ruled tablet of paper. "Who should be first?" He thought for a few minutes and started writing,

_Mom,_

_I'm sorry. Don't be angry with me, this was not your fault. I am just tired. Life isn't fun anymore, I know, maybe it isn't supposed to be fun, but at a certain point life became too much work, and I no longer have what it takes to invest._

_I'm sorry I won't be there to see Molly grow up and get married. I am sorry I will never give you grandchildren, but molly will, she will be a good mother._

_This isn't dad's fault. Don't blame him. I mean it. This wasn't his fault. Don't blame Brian either, I wouldn't have made it this far without him, but I don't know, that isn't enough anymore._

_Remain in contact with Debbie and Vic; they'll need you though this as much as you'll need them._

_I love you, and I'm sorry,_

_Justin_

Justin looked the note over again, he didn't say all that he had wanted but it was okay. He didn't want to rewrite it; he wanted his first emotions on the piece of paper. Justin tore the paper off a pad and folded it. He set it back on the coffee table and placed the tablet on top.

He stood up and went to the bathroom to shower. He finished, came out and got dressed. Brian went in after him.

Justin went back to the tablet. While waiting for Brian to shower and dress he completed a note to Daphne, Debbie and Vic, Michael, Ted, Emmett, Lindsay and Melanie, he scratched each name off, which left Gus and Brian.

_Brian,_

_I love you._

_I am sorry that I couldn't have been more; I wish I could have been everything you were looking for. I would have done anything to make you happy._

_Please pursue your dreams, whatever or wherever they are. Be good to Gus, he loves you, and I know you love him. I am glad that you can love him._

_I am going to give Lindsay and Melanie a letter for Gus; maybe you could see that they give it to him? He's the closest thing to a child that I will ever have; I love him. I know he won't remember me but I still hope._

_Be good to everyone else, especially Ted and Emmett. Be good to Michael, he loves you._

_I don't even know if you have read this far, maybe you threw the letter out without even opening it. I don't know. You are hard for me to read, to understand. But if you have made it this far then I want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me. I don't want you to blame yourself._

_I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused you._

_Sunshine_

Justin's eyes got watery, he wasn't trying to make it sappy or sad, he knew Brian wouldn't like that, but he wanted to let Brian know his feelings.

He tore the letter off and folded it.

He stared at the pad; he couldn't do the letter to Gus yet. He would do that tonight after seeing him.

Justin heard Brian dressing in the bedroom and sat the pad down. He waited for their trip over to Lindsay and Melanie's'.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The drive was completed in silence.

They arrived in front of the house, and parked, both got out and walked up to the house. Brian pushed the doorbell; Lindsay came to open it, "Hey guys!" She beamed.

"Hello Linds," Brian said.

"Justin, how are you?" She looked at him with concern on her face.

"Fine." He lied.

She noted how sad he seemed, he wasn't his normal outgoing self. She smiled at him and ushered him inside.

"Hey Sonny Boy," Brian said as he picked up Gus.

"Da," Gus gurgled.

Brian laughed, "Where is Justin?"

"Jus Jus!" Gus screamed, holding his arms out to the teen.

Brian looked at Justin, and swore that he saw a look of sad regret across the young man's face, but it was soon replaced with a smile when he saw the young child.

"Hey Gus," Justin said.

Brian put Gus down and he ran over to Justin. Brian motioned to Lindsay, "Let's give the boy's some time, we can talk."

"Hey Justin!" Melanie said as she came down the stairs.

"Hey Mel," Justin smiled briefly at her; she turned and followed Brian and Lindsay.

"I don't know what else to do." Brian confessed. "I have spent the last day and a half trying to get through to him, but it seems so futile. He's already given up."

Lindsay looked to Mel and back to Brian, "Did you tell him how you feel about him?"

Brian looked at his shoes, "Uhm...no..."

"Fuck!" Melanie said.

"Brian," Lindsay shook her head, "When? Are you going to wait until it is too late?"

Brian looked at her, accepting her words, "I almost did last night, but... I don't know, I felt that it would have pushed him further. What if he mistakes it for pity? How can he not know how I feel about him?"

"His eyes..." Lindsay said.

Brian shot a look at her, "I know... there is nothing there any more. No..." Brian stopped, his throat choked up.

Melanie saw this and was a little taken back, "Brian, I...I guess I didn't realize how much you really felt about him."

Brian looked at her and then to Lindsay, "If you don't and I have told you both how I feel about him then why would he believe me?"

"You have to try Brian, you have too." Lindsay said.

"I know," Brian said looking back towards the living room. He got up and quietly moved to see Justin and Gus.

Justin was on the floor playing with the toddler, "...not always know it but he does love you Gus, yes he does. You'll probably always be the mature one in your relationship, but still... you'll need to take care of him."

"Jus Jus!" Gus said as he held a toy up for Justin.

Justin smiled, "Where is choo choo?"

"Choosss chooosss!" Gus gurgled.

"Oh, right, it's at daddy's..." Justin recalled.

Brian cleared his throat and walked into the room, "Hey Gus." Brian smiled.

Justin's eyes blanked out again and his demeanor returned to the quiet sullen one that he had developed.

"You want your train?" Brian asked.

"Chooosss choooossss!"

"Okay, okay, I'll run to the loft to get it," Brian said, he looked to Justin, "You okay?"

Justin just stared at Gus and shook his head quickly; he looked away to hide the tears forming in his eyes.

Brian was unsure at that moment, "Will you still be here when I get back Justin?"

Justin nodded, "Yeah... where else would I be?"

Brian looked at the back of the teen's head, too afraid to answer.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Brian closed the loft door and went in to find the train. After a few minutes of searching he found it in the living room. He smiled, picked it up, and turned around. His eyes caught the stack of papers on the coffee table; they were partially covered by a tablet.

Curiosity got the better of him and he grabbed one, opened it, and read.

_Michael,_

_I know we have not always gotten along. I should have tried harder. Please take care of Brian. Don't give him shit, and please, don't let Ted and Emmett harass him all the time, I know he doesn't let them know that it bothers him, but I know that it does._

_Thanks for sharing your family. I love Deb and Vic, I never intended to do this and it isn't their fault. Please have them keep in touch with my mother. You are all my family._

_Good luck with Ben, he is a good person,_

_Justin_

Brian collapsed on the floor. He read the letter again, and again. It wasn't a farewell letter, it couldn't be. But he knew it was.

Brian was shaking, he pulled out his phone and tried to call Lindsay, it took several attempts to hit the correct button.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Is...Is Ju...Is he still there?" Brian asked; he was panicking.

"Brian? Yeah, he is here, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Don't let him leave, I don't care what you have to do, but if he tries to leave you fucking sit on him, I mean it Linds. I'm on my way." Brian hung up and closed the phone.

He collected the letters. He thought, "Is there one for me in here?" He found it, read it. His eyes were teary; he was as close to hysterics as he had ever been. He grabbed the sketchpad off his desk, and headed out the door.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

He parked. Took a deep breath, he wasn't sure what he was going to say.

He went in, saw Mel and Linds hovering near Justin and Gus, chatting, trying to stay calm and nonchalant. Justin was obviously oblivious, not knowing that Brian knew.

Brian stood there staring. He didn't know what to say or how to start. He tossed the toy train to Gus and passed the intended letter to Melanie and Lindsay, they were confused, opened it and started balling.

Justin jumped up, "What's wrong?"

Brian stood there holding the sketchpad and the letters. Tears in his eyes, he couldn't say anything.

Justin's jaw dropped when he saw what Brian had.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Lindsay and Melanie picked up Gus and went to the dinning room to wait.

Justin sat on the couch, Brian a chair across from him. They sat in silence.

Brian finally spoke, "Why?"

Justin just stared at him and shrugged.

"Justin, that isn't an answer. Is it... am I really this bad?" Brian asked, holding the letters up.

Justin didn't answer, but Brian knew that the silence was an answer. Brian's shoulders slumped.

"When... when were you going to..." Brian couldn't complete the question.

"Tomorrow." Justin said, "I wanted to see Gus first, I had to see him one more time."

"What...how?" Brian asked sadly.

"You know the guy a while back that fell in front of the light rail train downtown..." Justin stopped and shrugged.

Brian stared at him, tears falling without any reservation, "Justin I need you. Don't leave me, please don't leave me."

Justin's eyes opened wide, "I....thought...you didn't care Brian. I... I didn't even think... that you liked me anymore." Justin whispered.

"I know. I am sorry, so sorry. Just please Justin, please don't do it. Give me another chance? I know I don't deserve it, but please... this isn't the answer."

Justin didn't know what to say, "Why is it so hard to say to me?"

"I've never felt this way about anyone before Justin, and you hurt me when you went with Ethan. I have been afraid to open up to you completely."

Justin sighed, turned to look out the window; "Could Linds and Mel sit in here with us... I just need someone in here with us."

"Melanie! Lindsay! Here now!" Brian hollered.

They came running into the living room not sure what to expect, Melanie had Gus in her arms; she sat next to Justin, Lindsay sitting next to Brian.

"What's wrong?" Melanie asked looking between the two men.

"Just sit there, don't... don't say anything." Brian said half apologetically but Melanie didn't argue.

"Brian, I see you fuck those other guys and it hurts me. I wish I were enough for you, but I wasn't, was I?" Justin asked as he stared at the coffee table.

"Justin, those guys are fucks, fucks, nothing more. I come home to you, I sleep with you, I eat with you, I talk with you, I share my life..." Brian motioned to Gus, "with you!"

Justin didn't move, "But I see you fuck them, and you... you can't tell me what I am to you... I mean, I don't even know what we are..." Justin sniffled, tears streaming down his face. "You can say that you love to fuck me or that you love my ass! But not that you have any feelings for me..."

"I'm sorry," Brian said, he couldn't argue with any of what Justin just said.

"So am I..." Justin said.

"Justin..."

"No, tell me... am I a bad person? I don't know, am I... am I evil? There is something that keeps you from loving me. Tell me. I deserve that much."

Brian didn't know what to say to that.

"Am I mean or cruel to people? There has got to be something." Justin said in exasperation. "I know I am weak Brian, I know that, I'll never be as strong as you or my father. I know you hate weakness..." A look of realization came over Justin and he looked into Brian's eyes. "That's it isn't it? I'm too weak for you to love."

"No..." Brian started.

Justin let out a laugh, "That is it. Same with my father... same as Hobbs, you all see a weak little faggot don't you?"

"Justin that isn't true."

"It is Brian, don't lie."

"I'm not Justin, really, please believe me."

Justin stood up and started to pace back and forth, he ran a hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes. "Shit, I should have seen this, you can't love me... I must disgust you, don't I?" He turned to face Brian.

Brian looked at Justin and could tell that he was starting to shut down, "Justin..." Brian paused, took a deep breath, "Justin I love you. Please don't leave me."

Justin looked away, "No you don't Brian. I know you don't... I know you can't."

"Fuck! Justin please, would you listen to me."

"No, I can't do this anymore. I need to go." Justin started walking towards the door.

"No! You are not leaving here Justin!" Brian shouted as he stood blocking the shorter man's escape.

Justin's tear filled blue eyes looked up at Brian and he whispered, "Just let me go... I'll... just let me go Brian."

Tears were running down Brian's face at this point, "Justin please believe me I love you." Brian slowly reached his hands out cupping Justin's face, making Justin look into his eyes. Justin stared for a long moment trying to determine if there was truth behind the words.

Justin's eyes opened wide at Brian's confession. Brian looked for a sign, and could see a hint of sparkle, a bit of the old Justin coming back. "You do?" Justin asked timidly. "Or are you saying this because you feel guilty Brian?"

Brian nodded, "Justin, I can count on a single hand the number of people I have let get this close to me, you are one of them. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to tell you, to let you know. I think on some level I thought you and I were alike, we didn't need some of that shit, but... I was wrong. I'll do anything to keep you safe, to keep you with me. Please..." Brian pleaded.

"Since..." he paused and looked at Mel and then Linds, "The night Geoff... did... you know," Brian gave a silent nod, "I have felt that you were... I don't know... repulsed by me. Ashamed of me.... Disappointed in me."

"Justin, you had no control over what that son of a bitch did to you, I don't hold you responsible. I couldn't hold you responsible for that."

Melanie and Lindsay shared a look of confusion but didn't say anything.

"It seemed that you got distant right after that....I thought you wouldn't want to even touch me again. I mean we didn't fool around much. I thought you were getting it from the guys at Babylon."

Brian sighed, "I have not been with anyone since that night Justin. Only you."

"Do you really love me Brian? You aren't saying it because of...this?" Justin motioned to the letters, the sketchpad that now rested on the coffee table.

"I love you Justin." Brian replied.

A small smile crossed Justin's lips, "So you don't... think... I'm your whore?" Justin's head slunk down as much as it could when he asked that.

"Justin!" Melanie couldn't believe anyone would think let alone say that to Justin, she glared at Brian.

"It wasn't him Mel, it wasn't him..." Justin said looking at her.

"Justin, do you think you are whore?" Brian asked.

"I don't know... I mean, sometimes I do... you come to me when you are to tired to deal with shit from other guys." Justin said.

Brian looked at him, "I shouldn't treat you like a secondhand fuck Justin, and I know I have in the past."

"It hurts Brian, you have no idea." Justin said.

"Justin, I could apologize until the earth stopped spinning and never be able to prove to you how sorry I am. But please, don't do this?" Brian motioned to the letters.

"I didn't want to do it, but... I am so tired Brian. I can't handle us... or my father... and then Geoff." Justin sighed.

"Tell me how to fix it Justin. Just tell me and I'll do it." Brian was sincere.

"I don't know if you can. I don't know if anyone can."

"Will you let me try?" Brian asked, terrified that he was about to lose Justin for good.

Justin looked at him, "You still want me? After I did this... well, almost did this?"

"Justin, I want you. I want you with me." Brian nodded, "I have been trying, I mean really trying the past couple of days to get you to open up, but you have shot me down at every turn." Brian paused, "When, did... when did you decide to..." He trailed off, unable to bring himself to ask the question.

"A few days now, for the past few weeks I have been looking for, and needing, a sign that I meant something to you, and I haven't seen it. I thought you would be... happier... if I were no longer around."

Brian's eyes swelled once more, "That can never be true. One of your best qualities is your tenacity, your willingness to do whatever it takes to get what you want. I respect that Justin. But I haven't seen it in so long."

Another small smile from the teen...

"Tell me now Justin. What can I do? What can we do?" Brian asked quietly.

"I don't know Brian, if I had all the answers... I just don't know. I know I love you. I know I love Gus. I love my mother and sister. I love our family," Justin motioned to Lindsay and Melanie, "But... I can't go back to the way things were... the way they have been. I can't do that Brian. Tell me what you want."

"You." Brian said matter of factly.

Justin blushed, "Really?"

"Yeah baby, I love you." Brian smiled.

Brian stood up and held his hand out to Justin. Justin stared at it for a moment, this was decision time, he focused on Brian's eyes and saw a wave of uncertainty come through on the older man's face. Justin closed the distance between he and Brian.

Brian reached out and grabbed the boy in a bear hug. Both men hugged until their arms ached.

"I love you Justin."

"I love you too Brian."

Brian let go slightly and pushed the teen away so that he could look into the blue eyes. "Promise me that you won't... you know."

"I promise Brian."

"Will you let me help you? Will you work with me on our... relationship?"

Justin smiled and nodded. He embraced Brian again, taking the love, warmth, and protection that he felt from the older man. For the first time in a long time he felt truly loved... like he belonged.


End file.
